


steps to seduction

by walkingonempty



Series: ninjas by numbers [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff, Ino (tries to) spread the love, M/M, Multi, Shikamaru and Choji are overprotective big bros, choji-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-03-29 09:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3891733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkingonempty/pseuds/walkingonempty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ino conspires to spread the love and Choji and Shikamaru conspire to keep Ino out of Sai's pants. Sasuke refuses to be seduced and everyone lives happily ever after (except Kiba when Neji finds out he is dating Hinata).  Also known as: in which Ino tries to set everyone up, failing horribly, but everyone ends up together in the end. Choji-centric crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. part i

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Naruto or any of the characters; they belong to Masashi Kishimoto. I don't get any money from this.

Choji enjoys the simple things in life: food, friends, family, the look on his father's face when he mastered the Master Size Technique, and watching Shikamaru do smart and awesome things. Choji understands that he is a simple person, so he often looks to others for his happiness. That is why when six distressed and slightly drunk girls and one distressed Naruto (who has been upgraded to an honorary girl when it was discovered he was strictly Team 7-sexual) barged into his kitchen at midnight he was a little perturbed. Considerate as ever, Choji does not ask why they were interrupting his midnight snack and offers them some of his food. For Choji, this is the highest form of respect. (Also, Choji knows from long experience with Ino that an upset kunoichi make things decidedly unsimple, so it's best to go along with it unless you wanted a kunai up your ass and an enraged father asking what he did wrong in raising you when Ino went home sniffling).

Choji does not have to wait long before the yelling begins. He is very glad the yelling is not at him.

"'Troublesome' he says; 'troublesome' my ass. Let's see how troublesome I am when he doesn't get any for the next month," Temari slurs, hands tightening threateningly on her fan. Choji sends a quick prayer to the gods asking for Shikamaru's safety.

Choji is surprised to hear Karui snort; she is one of the few that doesn't look upset. (He quickly thinks bad thoughts of no food and hungry children; he is aware Karui is quite pretty, and whenever he is around her, it is hard to think straight. He is also quite aware she is out of his league and would probably end him if she found out about his crush). "Him not getting any would require him getting some in the first place, Sabaku."

"He would get some, but whenever I start talking to him these days, he gets shifty-eyed and then slithers away." (Choji is well aware of this; Shikamaru, who just told him that he had a dream that he was married to Temari, has always good at avoidance whenever it means confronting strong emotional attachment…and Temari is a bit too much like Yoshino Nara for comfort).

"You think you have it bad? Sakura-chan and I have been chasing that bastard's ass for four years now. You know what he said to us? 'I'm sorry. See ya around.' Then, the fucker went off to be a hobo or some shit." This is cut off with a smack on the head from an enraged Sakura.

"Sasuke-kun is just under a lot of stress. I know he cares about us somewhere deep down. He, he just…"

Ino interjects, "At least, you have the excuse of him being away for five years for things not moving forward. I've been trying so hard with Sai but…Wait, aren't you and Billboard Brow already dating, so what happens when one of you actually gets him then?"

Jade and cerulean eyes stare at each other and then look at Ino.

"Y—you could share him together maybe. Th—that way everyone could be happy." The suggestion came from the last person in the room one would expect it to come from.

"Why, Hinata-chan, who would have guessed you would have come up with something like that? Do have any other good ideas? Like how to help Tenten with a certain cousin for instance?" Ino is smirking catlike, blue gaze pinning a flushing Hinata to the spot.

"Ino, let her be. If it was going to happen with me and Neji, it would have happened by now." Tenten says resignedly. "It's, as he would say, 'fate.'" (Well, maybe Tenten, though admittedly sweet girl, is more bitter than resigned).

Choji blinks, thinking very hard of suggestions. Too bad Shikamaru isn't here. He always knows what to do.

"Well have any of you actually tried anything with them yet?" he offers tentatively.

Seven pairs of eyes stare at him. Choji gulps.

_That night marks the night that Ino commandeered Choji's kitchen and the next year of his life to form the Kunoichi (and Naruto) Lonely Heart's Club. The club's purpose, according to Ino, is, although they were independent kunoichi that didn't need no man for personal fulfillment, to acknowledge that they had needs that the men in their lives were too idiotic to take care of. Therefore, instead waiting on their vibrators to run out of batteries, the club would take their love-lives into their own hands and conspire to seduce their man (or hapless victim). Choji is not sure to be thrilled or terrified. Ino often inspires that him—she was even more intimidating than Shikamaru's mother when she puts her mind to it._

xxx

_Strategy No. 1: Recruit a teammate's help._

Ino's first victim is one Hyuga Neji. For the last two days, she has been plotting with Shikamaru about the best way to have Tenten and Neji united at long last. For some reason, though, she seems to want to include Sai in all of these meetings. This annoys Choji and Shikamaru to no end. Sai's suggestions are just…

"That would be a no," Shikamaru says.

"My books say that—"

"What Shikamaru means, sweetie, is that leaving Neji tied to Tenten's bed would only work in  _Icha Icha Paradise_. If we did that, we would die violently, either by Tenten's hand for embarrassing her, or by Neji's for well…" Ino breaks off, shuddering.

"What about a picnic?" Choji says, munching on some chips. Food is nice; everyone likes food.

Shikamaru smiles. Picnics are good. He can nap on the blanket. Hyuga and Tenten can be discreetly left in an isolated part of the forest for her to confess. Everyone wins.

…

Everyone did not win. The picnic was going swimmingly until Sai suggested Rock Lee challenge Neji to a duel for Tenten's heart. His guidebooks told him "enlisting help in the spirit of camaraderie for a mutual goal often provides a better outcome in which everyone goes home happy."

"Yes, in the spirit of youth, I challenge you, my eternal rival, to a duel for Tenten's, our comrade most beautiful, heart. Though I cannot pursue her romantically while my heart belongs to another, I can still fight in her honor!"

Neji does not dignify that with a response. Tenten looks torn between looking crushed and enraged. Choji decides she has the patience of a saint for not throwing a barrage of kunais at either Lee or Sai. Even he is annoyed by the two of them. (Sai called him the forbidden word and is hated on principle from taking Ino away from him and Shikamaru, and Lee challenged him to eating competition. There are some things Choji doesn't stand, and people questioning his eating prowess is one of them.)

"My eternal rival, now I challenge you to fifty laps on our arms around the village before our duel. A heart such a Tenten's must be strived for to be won, even for a prodigy such as yourself." Neji finally snaps.

"She is not something to won. Tenten is many things, but she is not something to be fought for or won like she is a cheap festival prize. It is her fate to choose to be with someone as her equal—not as something to be taken or won. Besides, it's not my fate to be with her or have children—"

He breaks off, hands going to his forehead protector which covers his cursed seal before continuing. "Things the way they are I will never have children. Tenten deserves someone who can give her their all. I cannot."

He storms off. Tenten opens and closes her mouth before slowly sinking to the ground. Suddenly, someone stands up, startling the awkward silence that has fallen.

"Tenten, Neji is beyond to precious to me, and I want his happiness and yours, too. I will fix this. The Branch family—what we do to them is wrong, but Neji is wrong, too. To be caged is not his fate. I will fix this, and I will not back down—not even to the clan elders. That is my ninja way!"

Tenten blinked and nodded at Hinata before walking off in the direction Neji had left, eyes misty.

Hinata blushed before sitting down. Karui looked at her speculatively before turning to Choji.

"I thought she was a scared little mouse, but she isn't, is she? It's always the quietest people that end up surprising you, don't they?" she says.

Trying to act as suave as possible, Choji chokes on his chips before he says, "Yes. People end up surprising you."

He actually managed a complete sentence. Choji: one; embarrassment: zero. He can already hear the wedding bells.

_Status of Strategy No. 1: Failure, complete failure. On the other hand, after a two-day long argument with Hyuga clan elders that ended in her great-grandfather sailing through their window (courtesy of one Hanabi Hyuga) when he called Neji "a Branch house upstart good for nothing but breeding stock," the Hyuga Main family was much more amenable to Hinata's ideas as future clan head. Hyuuga Hiashi was heard in the marketplace saying he was never more proud of either of his daughters. A marriage contract between the Hyuuga clan and a certain Tenten is in the works by next spring._

xxx

_Strategy No. 2: Just get them together without their prior consent (and without Sai around to fuck it up)._

The loss of Asuma-senesi still bites Choji in the belly like some stomach virus that won't go away. He knows it hurts Ino as well, but they can talk about it and about the memories of him. He can hold her. She blames herself—not being able to heal him well enough, never mind it was Hidan who stabbed him in the first place. For Shikamaru, though, it is different. Usually, Shikamaru can tell him anything, or he can say nothing and they can sit in comfortable silence. Whenever Shikamaru looks at baby Mirai, he flinches as if her face hurts him. She does look a lot like Asuma-sensei, Choji thinks. (He makes a mental note to give the baby a lecture on the evils of smoking when she is old enough). Touching Shikamaru on the shoulder, he decides to draw him out of his moody face. Sometimes he thinks too much for his own good, although he always denies it. If he keeps this up, he's going to be as bad as Sakura's and Naruto's Uchiha. Choji shudders at the thought.

"Come on, we should probably get Mirai back to Kurenai-san now." he says. Shikamaru nods.

Choji sighs; he has no idea what is going in Shikamaru's head right now, but he is going to fix it. "He'd be proud of you, you know? I bet he's watching right now from the heavens, though he'd smack you for being too lazy to actually take Mirai to top of the Hokage Monument like you promised. Naruto's roof isn't the same thing. She should see her grandfather up close and personal."

Shikamaru snorts, bad mood breaking. "If we went up to Hokage Monument, we would have passed Konohamaru and he would have wanted to come; he's too much energy."

 _Ahh_ , Choji notes,  _an ulterior motive. Shikamaru is so wise._

Dropping to the ground from the roof, they both see Kiba and Hinata making their way from the Hyuga compound. Hinata looks upset and Kiba holds back as if he is not sure whether to reassure her. Shikamaru eyes them keenly, "Kiba and Hinata have been spending a lot of time together lately, haven't they?"

Choji grunts in affirmative. Shikamaru gets the look in his eyes like he's plotting something.

"She's been a bit stressed lately about the cursed seal business, and I remember Shino saying Kiba said that he doesn't want to bother her about hanging out anymore. I'm sure that she still has time to look after her sensei's baby, though; Kiba can help her."

With that, Shikamaru walked up to Hinata and Kiba and unceremoniously shoved Mirai into Hinata's arms. "This will be good practice when you two decide to have your own."

Hinata turns a bright red and begins spluttering. "Me and K-Ki-Kiba-kun? He's m—my teammate. He doesn't like me like that."

Kiba turns a similar shade of red before exploding into fit of rage. "Hinata?! What, she's like a sister and so pretty…"

Wanting to this to end as quickly as possible so he could return to his nap, Shikamaru cuts them off. "Oh really? I remember Kurenai-sensei saying the other day that she was so glad you were finally dating because you two were like an aunt and uncle to Mirai."

Kiba opened and closed his mouth several times before Hinata tentatively offered, "Well, K-Kiba-kun, I-I would hate to disappoint Mirai-chan and Kurenai-sensei…I mean unless you don't want too…" She trails off and twiddles her thumbs.

Akamaru bites him before Kiba manages to mumble out a "yeah."

Kiba looks like he's died and gone to heaven. Choji takes this as proof that Shikamaru is a god among men.

_Status of Strategy No. 2: Success—mainly because the choice was taken out of the targets' hands. The strategy is not considered a success when Neji finds out though; only the timely intervention of a rather bored Hatake Kakashi prevents total annihilation. As it is, certain parts of Kiba's anatomy have had their chakra flow mysteriously blocked while he is sleeping._

xxxx

_Strategy No. 3: Get naked._

Choji realizes that Naruto is not called Konoha's number one most unpredictable ninja for nothing, but he thinks that even this is taking it a bit far. Sakura isn't even here to slow down the crazy train of Naruto's logic from the impending train-wreck that's about to occur. This also means there is no Sakura to stop the inevitable explosion when the crazy train falls off the bridge into the abyss that is Sasuke's psyche.

"Come on, Sasuke."

"No."

"What are you afraid, scaredy-cat?"

"Still no."

And such goes Naruto's attempts to persuade on the next round of strip poker. The party has dwindled down to the point where Kiba has deemed it a total "sausagefest." (Choji does not understand why he seems upset about this; sausages are amazing. Plus, even if Hinata had stayed, he would not have been able to get away with anything with Neji's Byakugan…and Shino's bugs. Shino has declared any expressions of PDA in his presence from the happy couple will be shut down quickly.).

Sasuke remains unconvinced, so the only players in the game are a sulking Kiba, reluctant Choji and Shikamaru, confused Sai, Shino…and the very predatory-looking trio of Temari, Ino, and Karui. The three recently decided to become best friends and have been inseparable ever since. And unlike Sakura and Ino who squabble with each other more than anything, these three have a tendency to gang up on their prey…Thinking back, it was Ino's idea in the first place to have a party and get everyone drunk, saying that it will "give some much-needed release on the sexual tension."

"I, for one, will start; it's a  _first_  because this is the  _first_  party I haven't been forgotten," Shino adds significantly while looking at Naruto. Choji doesn't blame Naruto for not inviting Shino to more parties; he's so quiet and serious it's a surprise he's at this one. Shino takes off his glasses. Everyone stares.

Sai interjects, "Is this one of those awkward moments that my books are telling me about? Usually, this only happens after I open my mouth."

"Shush, sweetie." That is Ino.

"Those eyes are." That is Temari.

"So, so." This is Naruto.

"Beautiful." This is Karui. Choji stiffens. Shino's eyes aren't that pretty; Choji's are just as nice. He knows for a fact that they are a "lovely hazel," as Ino calls them. He is not the only boy sulking. Shikamaru and Sai both look faintly miffed. Sasuke, on the other hand, looks outright murderous. He stands up and reaches for his…shirt. Stripping of his shirt, he moves to stand in front of Naruto and scowls down at him. All the girls (and Naruto) in the room seem to get a simultaneous nosebleed.

"Anyone else want to take off their clothes, anyone?" asks flushing Ino.

"My books say that it is best to follow the crowd, so I propose we all get naked. After that, that is when an orgy occurs and we all engage in coitus, is it not?" Sai queries. Temari grabs Shikamaru possessively by the ponytail while Naruto, glaring at Sasuke and then Sai, snarls out, "His ass is mine." Fearing for her love's life, Ino blanches before grabbing him and pulling him out of the room.

When Naruto and Sasuke begin to fight about whether Sasuke has become an exhibitionist who likes to taunt people (Naruto) with his very toned chest since coming back from Sound, Choji follows. He doesn't have movie-star eyes like Shino, a pretty face like Sasuke, or charisma like Naruto. He doesn't know what he does have. Maybe it would be better if he just left. It is not until he is halfway out that he realizes that Karui is right behind him. She looks hesitant—a first for her.

"I didn't know you were leaving."

"I mean strip poker isn't really meant for who people look like me."

"What do you mean? So you're just going to go off and sulk! You look perfectly fine! Now, get your ass back inside now, lughead, before I smack you across your face."

Choji stares at her.

"Inside. Now. Before I make you." Choji follows her back inside.

As they enter, Sasuke seems to be stretching, muscles in his chest rippling, in front of a leering Temeri and a furious Shikamaru. Choji is trying to think of the best way to defuse the situation when Sasuke is suddenly flung over Naruto's shoulder as Naruto stalks out the room.

"ALRIGHT BASTARD, YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH TO DRINK NOW. GO HOME EVERYONE, THE PARTY'S OVER!"

(Sasuke is smirking as he kicks Naruto in the balls. Naruto's eyes roll back and he collapses before tackling a still-smirking Sasuke. Choji does not pretend to understand their relationship and does not want to but shudders to think of the day when Team 7 actually gets together…their team dynamic seems a little codependent and violent already).

_Status of Strategy No. 3: Don't have your crush get naked in front of other people (especially if you're the type that gets jealous easily). Contrary to Sai's expectations, orgies will not happen._

xxx

_Strategy No. 4: Be his muse._

Choji has recently come to the conclusion that Sai, while having a lot of book smarts, has no emotional smarts at all. Choji can work with this, though. He will be Sai's Shikamaru, and Sai will be his Naruto. Like Shikamaru explains basic things needed for functioning in everyday life to developmentally-delayed Naruto, Choji will explain basic things needed to have a conversation without starting a blood feud to the socially-retarded Sai. Choji knows he is not a great warrior or great person, but he knows he is a great friend. So he will be Sai's friend. And he will make Shikamaru be Sai's friend, too. It will make Ino happy. That being said Sai is still not good enough for Ino. No one is…

It had been maybe three years back, right after Asuma-sensei died, that he and Shikamaru decided that neither of them would go for Ino. Ino has never been in love with either of them and probably never will—she's always seen them as too much like brothers—but there were times when Choji thought he could have fallen for her. Shikamaru could have fallen for her, too, but there is a darkness to Shikamaru that isn't in Ino. He needs someone who he can push until they push him back with a smirk on their face and death in their eyes. (This has why Choji has been calling Temari and Shikamaru as endgame since the chunin exams). Ino needs someone who can hold her and call her out on her bullshit as well as calling her beautiful in the same breath. Sometimes Choji loves simplicity too much to give Ino the complexities of love she wants. That being said, new friend or not, Sai is pushing the boundaries of common decency, and Choji doubts Sai has what it takes to make Ino happy.

"So you agree to be a model for me, Beautiful?"

(Sai, who has always been so bad at nicknames, has stopped using them except for Ino. Shikamaru uses this as basis for the fact they should be plotting Sai's death like they have for all of Ino's other admirers.)

Ino pushes the bangs out of her face and blushes, doing that thing with her eyes she does when she is trying to flirt. Shikamaru's eyes narrow.

"What is she modeling for?"

"Just your basic nude," Sai says blandly. (Choji knows that Sai must know how this is going to end. No one can be that stupid).

Shikamaru's hands flicker to his inherited chakra blades from Asuma-sensei. Choji knows that Asuma-sensei would be proud of their imminent use. Sai seems to get the message and quickly paints an ink creature, hopping on it and flying away to safety. Choji and Shikamaru share a fist bump. Like all great things in their friendship, words are not needed to convey what they are feeling. Ino's chastity is preserved from pale, plastic-faced ninjas; all is right in the world.

Ino is scowling at them. This is bad and means she is about to start screaming at them.

"How dare you?! Do you know how long I've been working on him? And when he finally starts to show some interest and I know my seducing is working—"

At this, Shikamaru and Choji begin to snort. Little to her knowledge, Ino's attempts at seducing will never work because all her potential suitors will have gotten the shovel talk from the previous generation of Ino-Shika-Cho (and the previous generation's wives—even more terrifying), Kakashi-sensei and Kurenai-sensei and Gai-sensei fulfilling their duty to Asuma's student, and last but not least Shikamaru and Choji themselves. When Shikamaru first thought up this plan Choji had his doubts, but it has proven flawless.

At this, Ino explodes in a fit both terrifying and comedic, mainly because it boils down to—

"A girl has needs, you know! And I really like him when we're talking alone; he's really smart and I know he reads  _Icha Icha,_ too, because he said my flower arrangement was like 'the flower of ecstasy inside of you'; that's a phrase in the third book—"

"That pervert is talking about porn with you?" Shikamaru interjects dangerously. Choji nods in agreement. Ino can be a pervert by herself, but not with Sai. Sai is no good. He will hurt Ino and leave her alone. He cannot even understand she is into him right now. How will he understand to be the perfect man Ino needs? Ino deserves only the best.

"Shikamaru Nara and Choji Akimichi, don't you dare think you have control over what I do or who I do it with or where I do it! And don't think I don't know about what you've been doing for the last three years; it ends now!"

Oh no, Ino is using  _that_  tone. Shikamaru gulps and Choji's eyes widen. They sweat, awaiting to meet their doom. Well, it was a good plan while it lasted.

_Status of Strategy No. 4: Failure. It is hard being someone's muse when your buffonish teammates make it their life's mission to keep you from having any love life. However, since she last laid down the law, Ino believes she's sufficiently cowed Shikamaru and Choji to the point where she can proceed without any further obstacles..._


	2. part ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of the characters; they belong to Masashi Kishimoto. I don't get any money from this.
> 
> Warnings/ author's notes: Mentions of NaruSasuSaku, ChojiKarui, ShikaTema, SaiIno, NejiTen, KibaHina, and other pairings. Drunken and sober shenanigans.

 

_Strategy No. 5: Make him jealous._

"You'll be back in two hours?" Ino asks quietly.

"Yes. Are you sure this isn't a bother?" Kurenai-sensei asks.

"Never a bother! I'm actually glad you didn't ask Shino or Kiba and Hinata this time. We haven't seen her all week." Ino says a little too brightly, "And here are some peonies. They were his favorite, weren't they?"

Kurenai nods briefly in thanks before leaving to her weekly pilgrimage to Asuma-sensei's grave; the weather is rainy out, so she won't risk getting Mirai sick. Mirai smiles up at Ino from her arms, making gurgling toddler noises. Choji thinks this is proof that Mirai is the cutest toddler is existence. Shikamaru seems to think this too because his face relaxes into one of his rare smiles. It's these moments that makes Choji glad to be part of Ino-Shika-Cho.

And then Sakura bursts into the flower shop sobbing and the moment is ruined.

"Ino! Ino, please you have to help me! They're fighting all the time and I'm just so sick of it and I don't know what to do!" (This moment makes Choji feel glad to be on Team 10, though he tries not to think these mean thoughts. Naruto and Sakura are dear friends, but continually dancing the masochism tango the way they do with Sasuke makes him very glad he is not a member of Team 7).

Shikamaru pulls out the tissues; Choji rubs Sakura on the back. Ino shifts Mirai to one arm, so she can give Sakura an awkward hug. Sakura and Ino have been friends so long that Sakura has become an honorary Ino. The comforting-after-Sasuke-and-Naruto-almost-kill-each-other ritual has been going on since they were all twelve, and they act their parts like an well-oiled machine.

Shikamaru furrows his forehead. In Shikamaru-speak, Choji knows this means, "This is a pain and I hate seeing her cry. Let's save them from their own stupid."

Ino slowly nods her head, ponytail swishing. In Ino-speak, this means, "Hell yes, but if you mess this up, I am holding  _you_  responsible."

Choji belches in affirmative. People may think that Team 10 is so good at unspoken communication because of Ino's telepathic abilities, but that's only half of it: Ino has mercilessly trained her boys in reading her moods and woe to any teammate that misreads one of the many variations of a raised eyebrow.

…

"Uchiha," Shikamaru calls out. Sasuke stops, turning around slowly. For some reason, out of all their graduating year besides his team, Shikamaru is one of the few Sasuke willingly acknowledges. (When Choji asks him why, Shikamaru just smirked and said something about getting drunk off of cheap sake and bemoaning the state of the village will be when Naruto finally becomes Hokage. Apparently, Naruto thinks ramen soup kitchens were a thing and will be trying to make that his first bill passed).

"Nara, Akimichi," is the terse reply. Choji blinks. Is the man who almost destroyed most of the shinobi world noticing his existence? This is bad, very bad. Choji does not like this.

"Have you heard about Naruto and Sakura? Who would have thought it? Then again, they have been in love with for over ten years now, right? It's about time for you to settle down with a nice girl, too, so you aren't the odd one out."

"Would have thought what, Nara?"

Shikamaru stretches lazily before meandering down the street, propelling a frozen Choji forward.

"Oh look at the time, Uchiha. I have to go."

"Would have thought what, Nara?! What do people think?"

The Uchiha's yells echo through the streets and a shiver runs down Choji's spine.

"You did good, Choji, really good. Now let's just keep moving. Slow and steady does it. I can't believe we let Ino talk us into this," mutters Shikamaru.

…

Though Ino and Shikamaru have told him not to, Choji cannot in good conscience let this happen without warning Sakura and Naruto. He is a good person, and over the years he has learned to think for himself. What he thinks is Sasuke is going to attack Sakura and Naruto in a fit of jealous rage, so Choji is going to be brave and brave potential homicidal Uchihas to tell them of the danger. If he dies, it will be for the future of the village and the life of the future Hokage. He finds Naruto and Sakura at Ichiraku Ramen talking quietly. He sneaks towards them.

"Psst, Sakura, Naruto, you need to be carefu—"

A blur of navy and chirping lightning slams into Naruto. Choji flinches thinking of the impending property damage, but then the two are torn apart as quickly as they came together.

Sakura is wearing her Scary Face that rivals Ino's. "Sasuke-kun, what do you think you're doing?" she chirps as she grabs him by the collar.

Sasuke does his typical shit-eating sneer before he leans down and kisses Sakura until she is as pink as her hair; his hands rubs small circles in the hollow of her back as she stands on her tip-toes, wrapping her fingers into his hair. When Naruto snarls and moves to pull them apart, Sasuke moves his lips from Sakura's and smashes them down Naruto's. Naruto takes this opportunity to try to move his hands down to Sasuke's ass, but Sasuke pulls away smirking. Sakura drops her hold on both of them, gaping at Sasuke. Naruto makes a similar face.

"Well if you have Sai as the best man, I guess I just get to join in for the threesome on the wedding night," he jeers before sauntering off. It is precisely four seconds before the screeches of "Bastard!" and "Shannaroo!" echo down the street. Sakura and Naruto are holding hands as they chase after Sasuke's shrinking behind. Choji moves to break up the oncoming fight before any innocent bystanders get hurt when someone grabs him.

"Are you honestly stupid enough to get involved with  _that?"_ Karui asks.

"Umm, umm no." Choji mumbles.

Karui raises an eyebrow.

"Do they have ramen in Kumo?" Choji blurts out. "Because we have ramen here and it's good. Yeah, it's good."

"So are you asking me to get ramen or not?" Karui asks, tilting her head.

"Ramen, yeah, with me. Sounds good." Choji agrees, sweating. (He knows she is going to say no, so he doesn't know why he asked in the first place).

"Why do you always look at me like I'm going to eat you, huh, lughead? Am I that scary?"

"No, no. Not scary—just pretty and badass and pretty!"

Karui looks like she wants to keep yelling at him for a second, but then she pushes her face into a smile and says yes. Choji is not sure why this happening, but he's glad that she chose not to end him. Maybe if he's still living at the end of the meal he'll ask her if she wants to try dango?

_Status of Strategy No. 5: Failure. Shikamaru and Choji have come to the conclusion that Team 7 is a black hole that warps the rules that usually apply to sane relationships. Ino sighs that her best female friend is doomed to be in love with an asexual sociopath and orange-colored numbskull for the rest of her life without even the comfort of being in a polyamorous relationship with two of the hottest studs in Konoha._

xxxxx

_Strategy No. 6: Ensure that there are no murderous brothers that could create an international incident if they don't approve of the match._

The entirety of Kunoichi's Lonely Heart Club (sans Naruto and Sakura because they are still chasing the recalcitrant Sasuke) is squeezed into Choji's kitchen. Tenten and Hinata are hunched over a picture book giggling. Apparently, baby Neji had been "the cutest" and Hinata's mother had regularly dressed him yukatas heavily embroidered with  _puppies_  of all things. Choji is glad that Shikamaru is not here because he would try to blackmail Neji with that information; Choji knows Neji is almost as smart as Shikamaru so that could only end in tears. The already happily paired-off Tenten and Hinata aside, the goal of this meeting is to locate, entrap, and seduce the target—the target being one Shikamaru Nara. Choji feels guilty for aiding and abetting in this scheme, but it is for Shikamaru's own good. (The previous day Shikamaru had finally broken his silence on the subject of his feelings for Temari. Basically, it boiled down to "I really like her, but as the Kazekage' s sister, she has a duty to Suna and not Konoha. Plus, while he isn't psychotic killing machine anymore, Gaara is scary as fuck when he's mad and I think he hates me enough when I'm not trying to bang his sister. The international implications if I tried to put a ring on it could be catastrophic").

"That is complete bullshit. Nara just doesn't have enough balls to commit. Inter-village relationships can totally work," Karui says, glancing at him sideways. Choji feels his face go warm.

"Yes, they can," Choji says, looking at her. (He has recently found out that though Karui will haul him out of bed at five to spar, she will take out for breakfast and let him order  _everything_  on the menu. It is true love. Plus, she is straightforward so she actually and vocally tells him when she is angry—unlike Ino who is passive-aggressive or Temari who simmers and then explodes.)

"Do you think I haven't told him that?" says a weary Temari. "I've tried mentioning getting a permanent diplomatic position in Konoha, but he keeps on freezing up. It's like he doesn't want to commit."

"Don't worry." These words come from an almost unnaturally perky Tenten. "I saw Gaara and Lee doing one of their silly challenges when Neji and I were sparring with Gai-sensei this morning. I may have mentioned that Shikamaru wanted to talk to him before he asked you out for real. Last thing I saw, Gaara was headed towards to Shikamaru's favorite nap spot."

"You what?" Choji spits out. Besides him, Ino gasps in horror.

"Well, it's not like anyone else was doing anything to move it forward, so I took the initiative. Besides, except for Temari, none of you guys have hung around Gaara as much I have because he and Lee have declared themselves Neji's eternal rivals. Well, it was mostly Lee doing the declaring doing the declaring, but Gaara's really cool. Trust me." Choji wonders if Might Gai's eternal enthusiasm has infected his most sensible student.

Temari tilts her head slowly to the side, saying "This can end either one or two ways, but we should probably stop it. Gaara won't hurt Shikamaru on purpose, but he can make him die of the awkward."

…

Walking to Shikamaru's apartment, Choji clutches to Ino's hand like when they were children and she was leading them on their next great adventure. "It will be okay, Choji, breathe," she commands. In his other hand, Choji clutches Karui's hand and feels slightly more reassured. (He's holding two pretty girls' hands; life is good. Or life would be good if were not for the fact Shikamaru's life is in imminent danger).

They find Gaara and Shikamaru sitting peacefully at a shogi board. The Kunoichi's Lonely Heart Club lets out a collective breath. Gaara blinks at them slowly.

"Would you like to join us for tea?" he says politely.

"What were you talking about, Gaaara? You have the look on your face like you've been plotting something," Temari demands.

"Woman, give the man a break. You've only been here less than a minute and you're already ragging on him," Shikamaru drawls.

"Excuse me, just who are you calling woman?" Temari annunciates slowly. Shikamaru closes him eyes and yawns very deliberately.

"You know if you stopped opening and closing your mouth so much I could actually get around to proposing. What a drag…"

(Gaara looks slightly exasperated at this; Choji knows the feeling. Sometimes Shikamaru's general apathy towards life can be slightly irritating. It takes a lot to peel away the layers of boredom and laziness to meet the steadfast and clever friend underneath).

"Let me get this correct, Nara. Did you or did you not just call me woman and say proposing to me was a drag?"

"Both."

Temari snarls and lunges.

All onlookers back away slowly. Gaara creates a platform of sand for all innocents to escape the blast radius. After years of the usually stoic Temari protecting others from her homicidal little brother, the now-sane Gaara can return the favor and protect others from enraged Temari. He will not bother with Shikamaru though—honestly, the boy has it coming. Who spends three hours asking for a blessing to propose to his sister only to ruin it by complaining that proposing to her was too much effort? Gaara does not even try to understand romance. He justs hopes Shikamaru survives long enough for Gaara to plan the wedding he has been dreaming of. Gaara  _loves_  weddings and will have nothing but the best for his blood.

_Status of Strategy No.6 : Ensuring there are no murderous brothers to deal with is not a problem when you have murderous brides-to-be to deal with. Indeed, it turns out that Gaara and Shikamaru have been meeting for quite some time to come up with the perfect way for Shikamaru to propose to Temari. Gaara, a closet romantic at heart, was all for having all Suna shinobi choreograph their wind jutsus just-so so that "Marry me, Temari" would be written in clouds in the sky. Although he is very fond of clouds, Shikamaru decided being more straight-forward was more in-line with his and Temari's personalities. Plus, he knows from a lifetime of watching his parents that making up after the fight is just as sweet as the fight itself (though he admits he should tell Temari when he says it to her "troublesome and "what a drag" are more of endearments). He looks forward to lifetime of being nagged by and bickering with Temari (and the make-up sex sounds good, too)._

xxxxx

_Strategy No. 7: Just ask the girl out on a real date already._

"What if on the way back we run into a storm? The storm will force us to seek cover, and if we are in the middle of woods, no one will be able to help us. Karui looks a little under the weather. What if she catches a cold and  _dies_?!" says Omoi.

Karui has been in Konoha for the last year on a diplomatic mission for the Fourth Raikage. Now, the year is up, and she is about to return to Cloud accompanied by her old teammates Samui and Omoi. Ino had thought it would be a good idea for Karui and her friends to have a farewell lunch with Team 10 (and Sai). In terms of Ino's plans, Choji admits that she has had worse ones, but he doesn't really feel like eating. There is a pit in the bottom of his stomach.

"It is unlikely that she would die. My guidebooks say that with those weather patterns storms are unlikely this time of year. Besides, if she gets too cold, she and Omoi can huddle together naked for warmth. It's a good survival technique," Sai adds helpfully, patting Choji on the back (Choji admits he has found Sai more tolerable now that he and Shikmaru have realized Sai is completely oblivious to Ino's attempts to seduce him, but times like these make Choji want to smack him on the back of the head).

Shikamaru sighs, and Ino places her head in her hands.

Omoi looks speculative. "Huddle together naked for warmth? But what if….she's too flat-chested and skinny for that to work anyway."

Karui's eye twitches. "What were you saying?!"

Samui stands up and looks as if she is about to intervene, but Choji beats her too the punch.

"Don't listen to him! I think your boobs are beautiful; I mean not that I've seen them…or thought about them! So how about getting dinner some time alone…without your teammates or my teammates?" he stutters out. Shikamaru has been helping him practice so he could finally make his move before Karui left.

And now he has screwed up—royally.

"So you're asking me out on a date?"

Choji opens his mouth but no sounds come out. Thankfully, Shikamaru and Ino take the reigns.

"What Choji means is that he really likes you and wants to take you out once on an actual date before you leave. And after that, he wants to marry you—" Ino gushes.

Shikamaru stops Ino's plotting with his scheme. "Just like her to get ahead of herself when it comes to weddings. She's been even more troublesome than Gaara about the flower arrangements for Temari's and mine. What she means is that there is a picnic basket on top of the Hokage Mountain. Here are some flowers that we picked out for Choji to give to you."

Shikamaru pauses before smirking. "Be nice to him or else."

Karui meets his gaze levelly. "Well if it's a date with two people, then what are you all still doing here?"

Ino squeals and moves to drag a smug Shikamaru and confused Sai out of the restaurant.

Omoi tilts his head at Choji before asking, "Be careful. If you have a picnic on top of the Hokage Mountain, you may knock over a boulder and that may start another boulder and crush the village. Also, it still looks like its going to storm and if Karui gets sick, then—"

Samui sighs and drags off her teammate. Karui and Choji are now alone. On a date. This is happening.

"So are we going to finish off everyone else's food before we get started on the picnic?" Karui asks.

Choji's eyes widen and he nods vigorously. Yes, this is the one and the future mother of his children. Any child they have will be as fierce as Karui and as appreciative of food as the both of them.

_Status of Strategy No. 7: Success. Simply put, asking a girl out does work, especially if the girl was just about to ask you out. Also, having a genius teammate that can manipulate any situation to your advantage can help. Also, having an Ino that can make things happen just from sheer willpower can also help. Choji is very happy with this. He loves his team; he thinks he will be happy loving Karui for the rest of his life. After all, despite of the scheming, when it comes down to it, love is simple. It's just people not seeing things clearly that complicates things. Once you get out and say it, love is beautiful and blossoms like one of Ino's flowers—full of life and fragrant as spring. Choji is looking forward to sitting back and smelling the scents for the rest of his life. All around him is a meadow of other couples and others loves poking up through the fresh dirt. He looks forward to being able to lie down on the hillside like he and Ino and Shikamaru did when they were kids and watching it grow around them as he watches the clouds drift by._

xxxxx

_Once Ino's steps to seductions actually succeed in seducing Sai, the Kunoichi's Lonely Heart Club is disbanded. A perpetual organizer, Ino makes a motion to start a new, better club: the Kunoichi's (Men Also Allowed) Club for Enjoying Life and Love. Meetings are held whenever Ino feels like it and club dues go to weekly potluck dinners and funding repairs at the local orphanage Ino and Naruto volunteer at (Shikamaru cringes at the ideas that the two blondes will come up with. They will inevitably come to him to get the ideas to function in real-life. He dreads the day Naruto is finally Hokage and Ino his assistant.)_

_Omake 1:_

Hinata and Mirai-chan are sitting at the table playing with Neji's hair. Neji has his long-suffering face on; in Hinata's defense, however, Neji is allowing this not because of his duty to her as her cousin but because a heavily pregnant Tenten asked him. Still, he cannot bring himself to smile. Lee will undoubtedly start one of his rants about happiness and youth if he does. Hinata plops Mirai in Neji's lap and pulls his hair up into two buns. (While Neji admits that the buns are adorable on Tenten, he is a man, dammnit, and he looks ridiculous). When Kiba enters the rooms and says "Hey, bro, I got to say I'm loving this new look," Neji decides enough is enough.

He activates the Byakugan. The punk who is plotting to defile Hinata-sama promptly flees.

"Neji, I thought you promised not to do that any more. Fighting or threatening people does not solve every situa—"

Neji puts his prodigy brain to work and cuts off Tenten with a chaste peck. Tenten's eyes narrow. Neji decides it is time for some hasty bullshitting.

"I just wanted to see how Hizashi-kun was doing in your stomach. He's sucking his thumb," he murmurs into her ear.

Tenten softens. Hinata gasps and clutches her hands to heart. "Neji-niisan."

He smiles. Hinata has been a constant help to him and Tenten during her pregnancy and has promised him that the cursed seal will never again mark the heads of the Branch family. She is currently working with Tsunade-sama and Hizashi-sama to come up with a way to reverse the seals that are already present on living members of the Branch family. Neji has absolute faith in her ability to fix things.

Then, as per usual, Lee bursts out into a soliloquy:

"My eternal rival and comrade Tenten together and making a future generation of youth and hope! If only..."

Akamaru begins to howl, cutting Lee's spiel short. Neji admits without reservation that he likes that punk's dog better than the punk. Well, at least there is some good out of Hinata dating Kiba. The future Hizashi will have an entire pack of puppies to play with. Hiashi-sama  _never_  let Neji have a puppy.

_Omake 2:_

"Are you deaf as well as stupid? I love you, dobe," Sasuke says.

"WHAT?! SASUKE-TEME, YOU DON'T FUCKING JOKE ABOUT THAT!" Naruto slurs.

"Sasuke-kun, you shouldn't say that so sarcastically if you want Naruto to take you seriously," Sakura advises, placing her hands on the boys shoulders.

"You believed it when I said it to you," Sasuke says sulkily.

"Yes, but if you confessed to me like you just did to Naruto, you'd be unconscious right now," Sakura says sweetly.

"YOU TOLD SAKURA I LOVE YOU BEFORE I DID?! YOU ASSHOLE!" Naruto tackles Sasuke, ramming him through the apartment wall and into the bustling street below…again. They are both still naked.

Sakura sighs and pulls on her robe before going to break it up... or maybe join in to smack the back of their heads for being so stupid. Honestly, she doesn't know how she fell in love with these two idiots. Sakura notes to forbid sake from the apartment. Drunk Sasuke and Naruto don't mix. Come to think of it, she's rather tipsy herself; join in on the fight it is then. Who says it's just boys who will be boys? Sakura is a girl and she can brawl with the best of them.


	3. extra drabbles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of the characters; they belong to Masashi Kishimoto. I don't get any money from this.
> 
> All the same pairings are the same as before, but now there's mentions of Anko/Lee and Shino/Samui. Sorry that this isn't an actual thought-out continuation of the story; I just had a bunch of drabbles that I didn't know what to do with that needed out of my head.
> 
> See notes at the end for explanation of asphodel.

They lay sprawled out under the fan, staring at it in exhaustion. Ino shoves her shirt up to be caressed by the breeze as sunlight dapples her stomach. It had been a long day at hospital and afterwards it had been made even longer by Tsunade-shishou hauling them out for a round of drinks in celebration.

(The day was made the longest day ever when Tsunade-shisou started talking about all her exploits from her young, wild days. Ino usually loves gossip—even old gossip, although she is not stupid enough to call the things Tsunade-shisou got up to in her youth old gossip to Tsunade's face—but there are some things she does not need to know. Hearing about Tsuande peeking on the Third Hokage who Ino remembers as a kind,  _elderly_ old man as he bathed is one of them. Ino does not care that he used to be a stud.

Or see. There are things even Ino at her drunkest does not want to see. Watching Rock Lee try to serenade Anko is one of them. Lee is a sweetheart, but Anko is very scary. Thinking about snakes entwined with that bright green spandex makes Ino shudder. She decides to give Anko the "if you ever hurt him" talk at a later date; Lee deserves only someone as kind and tender-hearted as he is.)

"Sakura," Ino asks. "How goes things with Naruto and Tall, Dark, and Broody ?" (Newly-tall Naruto, who makes Ino sometimes feel uncomfortably hot when looking at his broadened shoulders, will always be that orange-covered midget to her. He doesn't get a sexy nickname…or ogled, in the slightest.)

Sakura groans and covers her eyes, "Yesterday, we made a bonfire and roasted marshmallows with Sasuke. Naruto and I tried kissing, but then Naruto tried to put his hand on my breast and I accidentally slapped him. It was a reflex, I swear! It's just he used to be my best friend and now he's my boyfriend."

Ino snorts. Well, at least Sakura isn't getting any either. Ino refuses to be the last one in the friend group to lose it. Hell, even  _Hinata_  has managed to sneak out to meet Kiba. Neji and Tenten got married then knocked up in a matter of two months.

"And then, I started apologizing to Naruto because I can't hit him anymore. It isn't nice ,and I don't want to be in the type of relationship. Naruto said it was okay and tried to kiss me again…And then Sasuke set all the marshmallows on fire because apparently it isn't fair for me and Naruto to get any with each other until Sasuke decides to put out as well."

"Wait, what?" Ino sputters.

"He's completely vetoed even holding hands until the third date. And the only things he counts as dates are dinners at four star restaurants," Sakura shrieks.

Ino hides a smile. Well, it looks like she is back in the running to win the race to lose their virginities. Still, she is Sakura's best friend and will give her the very best relationship advice ever. (Sabotage is fine on missions—not in whatever latest competition she and Sakura are having.)

"Sakura, is Sasuke-kun a virgin? I think you just need to romance him: rose petals, candles, the whole exploding tag. He isn't the type to want to fool around outside by a campfire," Ino says.

Sakura bites her lip and looks like she is planning something. Ino feels slightly apprehensive and decides to consider sabotage. Sometimes her relationship advise is a little too good.

xxxxxxx

Kakashi pushes all of his chips onto the table. "So Guy, that's Neji and Tenten, Kiba and Hinata, Shikamaru and Temari, Choji and Karui, Ino and Sai, and my team, though thankfully they haven't started anything that could create offspring—" Kakashi stops to shudder "—I win the bet."

"Not yet, my eternal rival," Guy proclaims, "I take you bet and double it. Shino and that lovely blonde from Cloud will be the next youthful pair to blossom from love in the air this springtime. The loser has to give Team 7 and Lee a speech on the wonders and danger of youth and romance."

"I take your bet," Kakashi says with a smirk. (Though who can actually tell? He is always wearing a mask). Shino is completely silent and dorky; there is no way he could land a beautiful and skilled older kunoichi like Samui.

"I'd go into the ethical implications of betting on your former student's love lives, but I'm not even going to bother," moans Iruka. This dynamic duo has already dried up Iruka's fits of spontaneous rage for the day.

…

Two weeks later, Samui twists her ankle and falls to the ground while training. A shadow falls over her, and a tall stranger helps her up. She stares at her white knight (bug-infested shinobi) and then he takes off his glasses. She stares some more and does something she rarely does: speak.

"What, beautiful eyes," she breathes.

"Thank-you," says her stranger (Shino is so moved by actually being noticed that he decides to do something her rarely does to: talk).

Shino and Samui walk off into the sunset. The two taciturn shinobi spend a lifetime together having beautiful non-conversations and traveling between their two villages on diplomatic missions.

…

Kakashi's cup cracks. It is a bad omen. He has now lost the bet and, as the loser, must explain the birds and the bees to his three adorable no-longer genin who will fondly murder him in his sleep for this and Lee who will ask enthusiastic questions (and Sai who will ask uncomfortable questions). He decides to pawn this task off on Yamato as he does all other unpleasant things. In the end, it hard to tell whether it is Yamato or Team 7 who is more traumatized.

Kakashi watches the aftermath and giggles into his porn.

xxxxxx

Ino's eyes move happily around the shop. Shikamaru and Temari are sulking (Ino and Gaara caught them the last time they tried to elope) in the corner, playing a half-hearted game of shogi. Karui and Choji happily taste wedding cake at the counter as Naruto loudly pontificates on the various varieties of ramen that can be chosen for the wedding banquet.

She narrows her eyes at her greatest rival, "Camellias. They grow between Fire Country and Wind Country, signifying the union between our two villages."

Gaara looks impassively back. "Asphodel.*"

"With all due respect, you can't have asphodel at a wedding!"

"I like asphodel," Gaara monotones, "Temari said we had it at our mother's funeral."

"Funeral! Funeral!" shrieks Ino, "Not a wedding!"

After two minutes of a stare-down whose only equal was that of one Uchiha Itachi and Sasuke during their violent duel to the death, Gaara's pale eyebrow twitches. "Why don't we ask  _my sister_ since she is the bride?"

"Fine, but we also get  _my very good friend_ Shikamaru's opinion since he is the groom," Ino says huffily.

When they reach to grab the happy couple, there is a puff of smoke and all that is left is a pair of logs.

Ino screams, "They made a break for it!"

Feud temporarily put aside, the Kazekage and Yamanaka heiress storm out the flower shop. The room lets out a collective shiver.

"Have I ever told you Ino is slightly terrifying?" Karui asks.

Choji nods his head solemnly.

xxxxxx

Kiba fidgets and a heavily pregnant Tenten fixes his yukata.

"Calm down; they'll love you. Just be yourself and everything will work out. Look at me and Neji."

Kiba, no longer brash and cocky, feels some of his old self coming back, "So how did you win these old stuffed shirts over? Did you bring flowers? Wine?"

Tenten shakes her head. "Well, I actually didn't meet Hiashi-sama until the contract was signed. Then, he just nodded his head and said that he could tell that Neji and I would make a fine family. I think that was Hyuga-ese for 'Thanks sweet baby kamis, I'm finally going to have grandbabies!' "

"Umm, but Tenten, Neji has threatened to violently kill me if I think impure thoughts about Hinata; won't her father be worse?"

Tenten smiles. "Don't worry. Hiashi-sama and Neji promised Hinata and me that there would be no maiming or killing any of Hinata's boyfriends. You are perfectly okay."

Later that night, a loophole is discovered. Nobody extracted any such promises from cute little Hyuga Hanabi. And with that, Kiba's doom is sealed. He finds out three years later violence is how the gloomy Hanabi expresses affection with those she considers family; this does not make him feel any better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Asphodel is said to be the Greek flower of the underworld, symbolizing the afterlife and oblivion—not really what you'd call a wedding-appropriate flower.


End file.
